Canadian Commentary

Cartoon copyright 2005 Harry Bliss
Distributed by Tribune Media Services Inc 12/20
http://www.harrybliss.com/

“To agree to disagree, to harness diversity, to respect dissent, perhaps this is the real essence of Canada.”
- Robert L. Perry

The average American knows as much about Canada as the dark side of the moon. But I've recently started traveling there for business, so that gap in my geopolitical education has been filled. The more time I spend in Canada, the more I like it. If I had to describe our Northern Neighbor in one sentence, I would say “Canada is the United States – without the attitude and the guns.”

Michael Moore came to the same conclusion in his film “Bowling for Columbine”. In one scene, he traveled from Detroit (the Murder Capital of the US) to Windsor, Ontario, which is just on the other side of the Detroit River. In Motown, the atmosphere of fear and danger was palpable. Yet across the river, people didn’t even lock their doors. Moore also observed that even though Canada had more guns per capita, their murder rate was much lower. The obvious solution to America's violence problem is therefore to mandate that armed robberies and drive-bys can only be carried out by Canadian citizens. This will reduce their frequency to that of a solar eclipse.

A good word to initiate an understanding of Canadians is “nice”. But unfortunately, many Americans equate “nice” with "boring". In high school, “nice” guys were the ones that cool girls wouldn’t date - but who were acceptable candidates for copying homework. So this definition is far too limited to capture the essence of Canadianicity. (My new word – coming soon to a Wikipedia near you.)

More accurate adjectives for “Canadian” are “civilized”, “respectful”, and “moderate”. Eliminating the extremes of human behavior makes life less of a roller coaster, and substantially reduces stress. In Canada, I expect to have good interactions with people. I know I won't be the recipient of an emotional shotgun blast from someone having a bad day. I’m also confident that cars around me will use their turn signals and avoid tailgating. During my last trip, I can’t even recall any of my fellow drivers honking! Most Canadians think that Road Rage is a video game.

Another word that captures the essence of “Canadian” is “evolved”. It’s like Homo Sapiens Vs Neanderthal. (Guess which species the US represents?) Canadians have figured out how to interact with themselves and the world in a way that doesn’t make others feel angry or offended. I can’t think of a better mission statement for a nation. Winston Churchill said “That long (Canadian) frontier from the Atlantic to the Pacific Ocean, guarded by only neighborly respect and honorable obligations, is an example to every country and a pattern for the future of the world.” And William Arthur Deacon observed “There has never been a war of Canadian origin, nor for a Canadian cause.”

But why is the culture of these Palefaces from Polar Bear Land so different from ours? I offer the following explanation:

Reason 1: Cold – It gets really cold in Canada. I’m talking about C-c-c-c-c-old! Last February I was in Montreal when it was –20 degrees F. And that was considered to be a heat wave! When I saw a dog frozen to a fire hydrant, I knew I had transitioned out of the Temperate Zone. It’s tough to start a war or act in an aggressive manner when you’re freezing! Instead of contemplating world domination, the only things you care about are a warm fire and hot cocoa.

So Global Warming also represents a threat to the world's political stability. If the Canadians thaw out enough, they may start expanding their borders – and take over the North Pole. And there goes Christmas!

Reason 2: European Ties – In its early history, Canada didn't engage in warfare with any European countries, so there was no residual animosity. They are part of the Commonwealth of Nations, so Great Britain is considered to be a big brother (or sister) rather than a schoolyard bully (the Americans’ perception during the Revolution). As a result, Canadian culture has more of a European essence than the United States - which felt obliged to start a new civilization from scratch.

Reason 3: Healthcare – 100% of Canadians have it. 40% of Americans don’t. And the Yanks who do have it - lose it if they get laid off or fired. Nothing is more stressful than worrying about paying for your kids’ braces or Grandma’s hip replacement. When your mind is occupied with these concerns, you're not thinking about how you can get along better with your fellow human beings.

No treatise on Canada would be complete without some history. Canada was started by Eskimos who got tired of losing their real estate every year to the spring thaw. After determining that wood is a better construction material than ice, they invited Europeans over because you can build log cabins a lot faster with steel tools than whalebone axes. The British and French taught the natives how to set up casinos - and separate their new neighbors from their money. A joint corporation was formed to process maple syrup and export it to the combative country below them. The sugar high made Americans so lethargic, they forgot about attacking Canada. And finally, Canadians invented ice hockey so there would be at least one sport where they could trounce the US.

Conclusion: If you get a chance to travel to Canada, I highly recommend it. But please remember to leave your attitude (and firearms) at home. The experience will broaden your perspective as much as a trip to Europe - at a fraction of the price!

Alexis Barbot's Monkeys

I have a young friend in Vancouver, British Columbia named Alexis Barbot. Here is Alexis's monkey collection.

Alexis has created some animated cartoon which are quite sophisticated for someone so young (10 years old). You can view one of them at The Monkey (Jougo) and The Beast. Alexis has even created a website - Jougo the Monkey. That's pretty impressive for a 10 year old. At that age, I could barely operate a can opener!

I was in Montreal, Quebec in February of this year. It was -20 degrees F when I visited. That is c-c-c-c-c-cold! I don't know how people can live in a place that gets so cold. But I guess that you get used to it. When I came back to New Jersey, 30 degrees F seemed like a heat wave.

I wish Alexis continued success with his animation career!

Mighty Joe Old

What happened to Mighty Joe Young after his blockbuster movie in 1949? Thanks to the godlike powers of Google, I was able to locate him and (believe it or not) he is still alive!

Mighty Joe Young was born in 1930, in Ottawa, Ontario. His Canadian heritage does a lot to explain why he was so much nicer than King Kong. Canadians are the nicest people on the planet, with the possible exceptions of Mother Theresa and my second grade teacher, Miss Walkowsky.

His father, Mighty Quinn Young, was a stage director, who was passionate about Eugene O'Neill. His production of Mourning Becomes Electra (with an all chimpanzee cast) stunned the Canadian critics. His mother, Loretta, appeared as an extra, in a number of early Tarzan movies.

With such strong dramatic roots, it was inevitable that Joe would gravitate to the theatrical profession. This talent manifested itself early in his life. Picking up a coconut was transformed into Alas, poor Yorick! A breast beating would be accompanied by a piercing cry of Hey Stella!

Zookeepers recognized his talent and encouraged him to participate in the animal park's theatre productions. Along the way he developed a passion for dancing. His greatest love was the tango, at which he excelled. When performing La Salida Simple, Joe became the very embodiment of fluidity and grace.

But by the time Joe was 18, he recognized that Canada was far too limited a jungle for him to develop his talents. He was drawn to Hollywood like a chimp to bananas. His parents supported his move, and six months later, he attended his first casting call.

Joe quickly discovered his greatest auditioning skill - It's tough to say "No" to a 500 lb. gorilla! Joe won small parts in film noir flicks, typically playing "the heavy" His performances impressed Ernest B. Schoedsack, who directed King Kong.

In 1948, Schoedsack was developing a sequel to King Kong, and realized that Mighty Joe Young was a natural for the part. Merian C. Cooper, who wrote the screenplays for both movies, actually rewrote the script to accent Joe's rugged good looks, and animal magnetism. He even adopted Joe's name for the movie title. The result was, as we all know, box office boffo!

But what happened to Mighty Joe Young after his movie success?

After the movie run finished, and he was no longer invited to A List parties (Hollywood has such a short memory!) Joe became disillusioned with Tinseltown, and realized that his happiest memories involved dancing the tango in the Argentinean nightclubs that Ottawa is so famous for. No one in Hollywood could perform a decent el Paseo, or even a rudimentary la Caminata.

Joe made the most important decision of his life. He turned his back on Hollywood, returned to Ottawa, and opened up a dance school. His movie fame and exceptional dancing skills quickly made it a success! And there he remains, to this day.

In 1992, Joe made one brief return to Hollywood, to be choreographer for Scent of a Woman. Director Martin Brest, credits Mighty Joe Young with propelling Al Pacino to his stellar performance in The Tango Scene.

At 76, Joe can no longer bend with his dance partners like he did in his youth, but he still exudes el Alma del Tango (the Soul of the Tango)! I wish you many more tango years. Joe!