How Do Monkeys Celebrate Valentine's Day?

How do monkeys celebrate Valentine's Day? It's a question that philosophers have asked for a long time. In the last 50 years, primatologists have devoted a great deal of effort to answering this important question. Here are some of their findings:

Bonobos have a marked preference for full bodied red wines and chocolate. A recent Congo survey reveals that Forest Glen Merlot (Vintage 2004) and Cadbury Dark Chocolate far surpass other bonobo choices. Bongo Bongo, spokesperson for the Bonobo Consumers Union, commented "Forest Glen Merlot has a wonderful blend of grape, leather, and raspberry that teases the palate while still leaving something to the imagination. All in all, I think that you will find it to be an amusing little vintage, and you will be charmed by its presumption!"

Chimpanzees, on the other hand, lean towards a more earthy, powerful liquor. This appears to mirror their more aggressive nature. Twelve year old single malt scotch is by far the preferred choice in libations for our furry cousins. Cheetette, the granddaughter of Cheeta (the star of Tarzan movies) commented "Scotch is an In Your Face kind of liquor. You don't need to pussyfoot around the flavor or the powerful kick that Scotch has on your perceptions. It gets you to 'The Buzz Zone' quickly and without any pretense. Also, you don't get a hangover with Scotch - as long as you don't drink too much!"

Capuchin Monkeys have a marked preference for 30's and 40's old standards (like "Stardust" and "The Memory of You") along with with a passion for Grappa, the Italian aperitif. Johnny Mercer and Hoagy Carmichael are much admired at Capuchin Valentines Day celebrations.

No matter how you celebrate it, I think that the message of Valentine's Day is to find your Prime-Mate and to tell them how much they mean to you!

Young Gene Kelly is Inspired

In the 1920's Monkey Showers were "all the rage". One morning while bathing, young Gene Kelly got the inspiration for his beloved musical Singin' in the Rain.

Mighty Joe Old

What happened to Mighty Joe Young after his blockbuster movie in 1949? Thanks to the godlike powers of Google, I was able to locate him and (believe it or not) he is still alive!

Mighty Joe Young was born in 1930, in Ottawa, Ontario. His Canadian heritage does a lot to explain why he was so much nicer than King Kong. Canadians are the nicest people on the planet, with the possible exceptions of Mother Theresa and my second grade teacher, Miss Walkowsky.

His father, Mighty Quinn Young, was a stage director, who was passionate about Eugene O'Neill. His production of Mourning Becomes Electra (with an all chimpanzee cast) stunned the Canadian critics. His mother, Loretta, appeared as an extra, in a number of early Tarzan movies.

With such strong dramatic roots, it was inevitable that Joe would gravitate to the theatrical profession. This talent manifested itself early in his life. Picking up a coconut was transformed into Alas, poor Yorick! A breast beating would be accompanied by a piercing cry of Hey Stella!

Zookeepers recognized his talent and encouraged him to participate in the animal park's theatre productions. Along the way he developed a passion for dancing. His greatest love was the tango, at which he excelled. When performing La Salida Simple, Joe became the very embodiment of fluidity and grace.

But by the time Joe was 18, he recognized that Canada was far too limited a jungle for him to develop his talents. He was drawn to Hollywood like a chimp to bananas. His parents supported his move, and six months later, he attended his first casting call.

Joe quickly discovered his greatest auditioning skill - It's tough to say "No" to a 500 lb. gorilla! Joe won small parts in film noir flicks, typically playing "the heavy" His performances impressed Ernest B. Schoedsack, who directed King Kong.

In 1948, Schoedsack was developing a sequel to King Kong, and realized that Mighty Joe Young was a natural for the part. Merian C. Cooper, who wrote the screenplays for both movies, actually rewrote the script to accent Joe's rugged good looks, and animal magnetism. He even adopted Joe's name for the movie title. The result was, as we all know, box office boffo!

But what happened to Mighty Joe Young after his movie success?

After the movie run finished, and he was no longer invited to A List parties (Hollywood has such a short memory!) Joe became disillusioned with Tinseltown, and realized that his happiest memories involved dancing the tango in the Argentinean nightclubs that Ottawa is so famous for. No one in Hollywood could perform a decent el Paseo, or even a rudimentary la Caminata.

Joe made the most important decision of his life. He turned his back on Hollywood, returned to Ottawa, and opened up a dance school. His movie fame and exceptional dancing skills quickly made it a success! And there he remains, to this day.

In 1992, Joe made one brief return to Hollywood, to be choreographer for Scent of a Woman. Director Martin Brest, credits Mighty Joe Young with propelling Al Pacino to his stellar performance in The Tango Scene.

At 76, Joe can no longer bend with his dance partners like he did in his youth, but he still exudes el Alma del Tango (the Soul of the Tango)! I wish you many more tango years. Joe!

Will Liechtenstein Conference Deny the Existence of the Kong-ocost?

Today Liechtenstein one of the world's smallest countries, announced a Conference to examine whether The Kong-ocost (King Kong's 1933 rampage through New York City) ever really happened. The meeting is scheduled for February 2007. The announcement drew angry protests from some elderly New Yorkers.

Simon Plotsky, 96, voiced his objections. "We were there and saw with our own eyes what that monkey did to our city! It was Horrible! Horrible! We should never forget!" When Simon was asked where he lived in New York at the time of the incident, he could not remember. He also couldn't remember where he lives now.

CNN Reporter Mindy Lee spoke with Hans Frichter, the President (and also Mayor and Police Chief) of Liechtenstein about the meeting. Mr. Frichter said "We are a small country with limited income. Postage stamp sales to collectors have dropped off sharply in the past 10 years because of e-mails and the internet. Iran brought in a bundle of tourist dollars with their Denial Conference. Why shouldn't we cash in as well?"

When Miss Lee pointed out that King Kong was just a movie, not a real event, Mr. Frichter commented "Well, that is yet to be determined. You should come to the Conference and find out. I can get you a good deal on a hotel! Breakfast is included!"

Reaction to the Conference from the monkey world has been positive. P Monkey faithful sidekick of LonelyGirl15 said "The media should pay more attention to primate issues. After all, we've been around a lot longer than you humans!" The Bronx Zoo's Monkey and Ape Coalition also voiced support for the Conference. Spokesman Bongo Bongo (a 10 year old orangutan) commented "It's time to stop blaming us for the decline of Western Civilization. It's been more than 100 years since Darwin's book came out. Get over it!"

Hotel bookings and airline reservations for the tiny country have risen sharply. Mr Frichter is hoping for a slow news week, to increase press coverage. Or as he put it, "If nobody gets blown up, then Cha-Ching!"

Monkey Military to Replace US in Iraq

At a press conference today, President Bush shocked the world by announcing that all US military personnel in Iraq would be replaced by monkeys by the end of 2006.

Mr. Bush explained his decision. "Well, we've been battling those Muslim gorillas over there . . . and they've been giving us a real hard time. I think it's time we fight fire with fire, or gorillas with gorillas!"

During the Q&A period that followed, Sam Chaffee of the New York Times asked "Muslim guerillas are human, while jungle gorillas are animals. What makes you think apes can overcome a rebel force that has avoided defeat by the most powerful military in the world?"

Mr. Bush seemed surprised by the question. He responded "Uh, let me get back to you on that.", then quickly left the briefing room.

Afterwards, a shaken Tony Snow, White House Spokesman, refused further comment, saying "This plan is highly sensitive and we don't want to reveal details to the enemy."

Later in the day, CNN correspondent Alice White interviewed Sheik Mabahl Zahari, rebel opposition leader in Iraq. When asked about Mr. Bush's comments, Zahari stated "We are not intimidated by President Bush's monkey menace! Allah is our King Kong, and he will protect us!"

Were the 60's Band "The Monkees" Really Monkeys?

A research paper published in this month's issue of Nature magazine states that the 60's band "The Monkees" really were monkeys.

The author, Russel Mankowitz of Columbia University, based his paper on blood samples (identified as being from the band members), which were recently discovered in a Red Cross facility that was slated for demolition. The samples had been buried in the bottom of a freezer that was used to store blood.

Dr. Mankowitz and his team of paleo-hematologists extracted genetic material from the blood and then compared the DNA sequences to humans and 10 closely related monkey species. Dr. Mankowitz said "The results were completely unexpected. . .
The Monkees were actually monkeys!"

The samples revealed that Michael, Davy, Micky, and Peter were in fact Bonobos, a type of chimpanzee. Dr. Mankowitz said "It really would have been more scientifically correct to call them The Apes, but gosh, we can't go and change history, can we?"

When asked why The Monkees looked so human, another member of the Columbia team, Dr. Ronald Grimes said "Well, there were a lot of hairy people running around back then. It was hard to tell the men from the women, let alone another species!"

The Monkees' legal counsel Aaron Simon, stated "There is no truth to this story. Even though they were labeled as such, it has not been verified that the samples actually came from The Monkees." He further added "All four Monkees voted Democratic in the last presidential election, and they made their votes widely known. Who would gain by discrediting them? You do the math!"

The Monkees have refused to submit to new blood tests. Their counsel explained why. "They want to be accepted for what they play, not their DNA." Monkees fans overwhelmingly support their decision.

A Monkey Was The Real Brains Behind The Atom Bomb!

It is commonly believed that there were 10 principal scientists who were responsible for developing the Atom Bomb. What few people know is that there was an 11th . . .









Zippy The Chimp

Zippy was originally sent to Los Alamos as a security consultant, because his activities in Africa (dropping coconuts onto the heads of Marxist-Leninist guerrillas) had demonstrated his usefulness in battling "The Red Menace".

Many A-Bomb scientists had been exposed to Communism during their college years. Zippy's lack of higher education insulated him from these leftist influences.

After watching Zippy open coconuts (by banging them together) Leo Szilard was able to formulate his seminal Implosion Theory which was the heart of the "Fat Man" A-Bomb design.

After that, Zippy quickly became a integral part of the Manhattan Project team. Leo Szilard, Robert Oppenheimer and Nils Bohr relied heavily on Zippy to refine the designs of bomb components. Although Zippy's test methods were unorthodox, his work consistently resulted in improved performance. A recently declassified document reveals that Zippy's "Samsonite Test" was perhaps the most important contribution to A-Bomb develoment.

After the war, Zippy was troubled by the ethical implications of his work. He returned to Africa and opened up The Jungle Peace Center, whose mission statement was "To provide an open forum for predators and prey to discuss their differences in a neutral and supportive environment". Unfortnately, 6 months later, he was eaten by a lion while hosting a seminar on conflict resolution.

It is time for the world to know the profound influence this savvy simian had on the history of western civilization. His last words "Can't we all just get along?" would be echoed by later generations.

Port Authority Proposes Replacing Hudson River Bridge Crossing

The Port Authority of NY & NJ announced plans today to replace the aging Tappan Zee Bridge. This bridge has been in a state of constant repair for many years and is near the end of its useful life.

The new bridge will be called the Chimpan Zee Bridge. Chief Engineer, Kongo, is featured at left.

The bridge design will incorporate a number of new technologies, including:

An EZ-Vine Lane for commuters who want to get out of their cars and swing over traffic jams

And

Bamboo construction, to save on material costs

An all simian work force will be employed, to substantially reduce labor costs. The rapid depletion of the rain forests are expected to swell the work force, and thus reduce labor costs even more. The labor force will be organized into 12 monkey teams, which will be known as "barrels". This is being done to make the work environment more fun.

It is estimated that the team will finish the job under budget, because bribes paid in bananas will amount to only a fraction of their human equivalents.

Construction is scheduled to begin in 2010. A completion date has not been set yet, because monkeys can't count beyond 10.

If You're Happy And You Know It, Climb a Tree.

In this topsy turvy world, we would do well to study monkeys to discover why they enjoy life so much.

On reason is that monkeys are avid readers of Marcel Proust.

"In Search of Lost Time" has long been a focal point for simian philosophy. Monkeys view this masterpiece as a bildungsroman in which the neurasthenic narrator discovers that he is a writer after a life spent distracted by society and love.

This is why monkeys place so much emphasis on maintaining a strong contact with nature and their primitive instincts. They have seen how unhappy humans are by allowing themselves to become too "civilized".

I, for one, plan on going out today and climbing a tree, so that I can shed some of my evolved epidermis, and get closer to my inner chimp.

Ooh! Ooh!