What's It All About, Monkey Bob?

If I may be serious for a moment, I had an epiphany today, that I would like to share with you:

It's not about ME. It's about OTHER PEOPLE.

For the past few years, I've felt that my life lacked a sense of direction and purpose. This manifested itself in depression, panic attacks, and a general dissatisfaction with day to day existence. I was not happy, and nothing seemed to make me feel satisfied or fulfilled.

A number of events created this state of mind:

* - I am 57 years old, and recently realized that I'm not going to live forever. The idea that someday I was going to die hit me in the face like a left hook from Mike Tyson. I mean, no shit, I am actually going to die someday! It wasn't an abstract concept. It was a visceral realization. It scared the hell out of me, and threw me off balance emotionally. It gave me nightmares!

* - My best friend John, a contemporary in age, passed away from cancer a year ago.

* - I've reached the point in my life where being a workaholic no longer fulfills my emotional and spiritual needs.

* - My wife got sick in 2000, with a cerebral aneurysm. This required surgery, and she is now partially disabled.

* - My wife's illness almost forced us into bankruptcy (a couple of times), and our financial condition has been "dicey" for the past few years - until very recently. (Things are looking better now.)

* - Two years ago, my wife was involved in a head-on collision. The car was totaled and she was seriously injured. She recovered from the accident, but it was a long, slow process.

* - I have been supporting my 20 year daughter - both emotionally and financially - as she struggles with a new baby, getting through college, and establishing herself as a successful and happy adult.

There's more, but this is the good stuff.

In general, I have been feeling sorry for myself. I don't recommend it as a life style, because it sucks!

Then I recently started supporting monkey conservation groups through my blog. I have been featuring posts about them, linking to them, and also supporting them financially. It has been very rewarding - the first emotional "shot in the arm" that I have felt in a long time! And I genuinely care about this issue. Monkeys are my little buddies!

Also, today I went and worked with Habitat for Humanity in Newark, NJ. I met some really nice people who genuinely care about other people, and back it up with physical work. The program allows low income people to buy their own homes. At the end of the day, I felt better than I've felt in a long time!

The conclusion that I have drawn from these experiences is:

It's not about ME. It's about OTHER PEOPLE (and monkeys).

I feel, after a very long time, that my life is beginning to have some purpose and direction again. I will continue to volunteer my time and energy to worthwhile causes, because I now realize that one person CAN make a difference in our world.

Look for more upbeat news in the near future. I want to use the word zeitgeist in a post. I heard it on National Public Radio!

Jolly Chimp - Classic Monkey Toy

Jolly Chimp Toy A classic mechanical monkey toy. However, I thought that it was an excellent example of how many people feel - working at a job that is mechanically repetitive, but not emotionally fulfilling. Wow! I am waxing philosophical on this post! Sorry, I'll try not to repeat it.

The 2% Difference between Human and Chimp Genes

Geneticists speculate that the difference between human and chimp genes is only 2%. However this difference is significant:

First of all, chimps don't usually wear genes, unless they are dressed up for a movie. Cheeta, the famous actor in Tarzan movies, once commented "I find blue genes to be quite confining. They are a tight fit, and this restricts the flow of creative energy when I am trying to get into the moment for a scene." In later movies, Cheeta had a stipulation in her contract that she would only wear "relaxed fit" pants.

Humans, however, lean towards tighter genes. This preference is dictated by societal pressure to look thin. Here we see a picture of The Man in the Big Yellow Hat (a friend of Curious George) in an early style of blue genes. The desire to be thin originated in early human history when monkey men often had to fit through tight openings in order to escape predators.

As baby boomers age (and get heavier), the fashion industry is moving towards looser fit genes, to support this important demographic. This may cause chimpanzees to reconsider the whole genes issue. If so, then the 2% gap that separates us from our primate pals will get even smaller.

Gorillas Are Just as Snarky as New Yorkers!

After a recent visit to the Bronx Zoo, I confirmed a long time suspicion; gorillas are just as snarky as people in New York City. For example:

Koko, a 5 year old female, was seen to frown at a younger female who wore the same banana leaf skirt two times in the same week.

None of the residents would give directions to a new gorilla who was trying to find the food dispensing area.

As soon as a gorilla wandered away from a group, the remaining apes appeared to be chattering and laughing about the departee.

Zoo keepers are not sure if this behavior is unique to NYC gorillas, or if it is widespread. My guess is that it is a New York thing, acquired by contact with visitors from The Big Apple.

However, snarkiness may not necessarily be a bad thing! It may very well give these animals an evolutionary edge. New Yorkers are well known for their survival skills. Ask anyone who has ridden on the F Train!

If You're Happy And You Know It, Climb a Tree.

In this topsy turvy world, we would do well to study monkeys to discover why they enjoy life so much.

On reason is that monkeys are avid readers of Marcel Proust.

"In Search of Lost Time" has long been a focal point for simian philosophy. Monkeys view this masterpiece as a bildungsroman in which the neurasthenic narrator discovers that he is a writer after a life spent distracted by society and love.

This is why monkeys place so much emphasis on maintaining a strong contact with nature and their primitive instincts. They have seen how unhappy humans are by allowing themselves to become too "civilized".

I, for one, plan on going out today and climbing a tree, so that I can shed some of my evolved epidermis, and get closer to my inner chimp.

Ooh! Ooh!

Monkey is The Root of All Evil

Recent news stories indicate that monkeys may be a major contributor to global warming. Consider the following:

• Monkeys don't recycle.

Monkeys have not signed on to the Kyoto Protocol.

Many monkeys hold key positions in energy companies, hence the term "monkey business".

While this may all appear to be circumstantial evidence, I believe that "Where's smoke, there's monkeyshines."

These clever little creatures may well be leading humanity down the path to annihilation. Anyone who has seen the Planet of the Apes movies knows what the game plan is.

Once they get rid of us, then begins The Monkey Millenium. McDonalds will be replaced by Rhesus Pieces and the top rock band will be fronted by Bonobo. The only human who might survive is Jane Goodall.

To combat this threat, we must take action. Report monkeys who drive SUV's or other gas guzzlers. Encourage your monkey friends to see Al Gore's movie. Plant trees next to monkey bars.

I am hopeful that if we work together, we can turn global warming into global 70 degrees F.

Do You Feel Lucky? Well, Do Ya, . . Primate?

This is my first day as a blogger, so be gentle with me. Afterwards we'll smoke a cigarette and . . . talk.

I began this blog to share some of the wisdom that has been imparted to me by The Mother Ship.

I believe that all monkeys are created equal . . . except for the ones who are superior or inferior.

I also believe that to achieve true enlightenment, you must have overindulged in your youth. It gives you some perspective on the yin and yang of daily existence. A normal day doesn't seem so boring when you can remember nursing a godawful hangover.

Finally I believe that researchers will someday discover that if you eat enough chocolate, you will live forever, never suffer from erectile disfunction (if you are a man or shemale) and be lucky in love.

Farewell my monkey readers. Let's get together tomorrow and groom each other!

I wish you peace, good feelings, and chocolate!