Saturday, September 30, 2006

Friday, September 29, 2006

Gorillas Are Just as Snarky as New Yorkers!

After a recent visit to the Bronx Zoo, I confirmed a long time suspicion; gorillas are just as snarky as people in New York City. For example:

Koko, a 5 year old female, was seen to frown at a younger female who wore the same banana leaf skirt two times in the same week.

None of the residents would give directions to a new gorilla who was trying to find the food dispensing area.

As soon as a gorilla wandered away from a group, the remaining apes appeared to be chattering and laughing about the departee.

Zoo keepers are not sure if this behavior is unique to NYC gorillas, or if it is widespread. My guess is that it is a New York thing, acquired by contact with visitors from The Big Apple.

However, snarkiness may not necessarily be a bad thing! It may very well give these animals an evolutionary edge. New Yorkers are well known for their survival skills. Ask anyone who has ridden on the F Train!

Thursday, September 28, 2006

No Monkeys Were Harmed in the Creation of This Blog

No monkeys were harmed in the creation of this blog. However, two humans were injured. I got a paper cut (stings like hell!) while loading my printer, and my wife's feelings were hurt because I was too busy blogging to watch Two and a Half Men with her.

We are both expected to recover. The important thing is that no animals were hurt because I don't want those PETA people coming after me!

With all of the war, religious intolerance, and violence in the world, perhaps someone should start a PETA for humans. We could let the monkeys run it, and call it METH. I would put it on speed dial.

Wednesday, September 27, 2006

Were the 60's Band "The Monkees" Really Monkeys?

A research paper published in this month's issue of Nature magazine states that the 60's band "The Monkees" really were monkeys.

The author, Russel Mankowitz of Columbia University, based his paper on blood samples (identified as being from the band members), which were recently discovered in a Red Cross facility that was slated for demolition. The samples had been buried in the bottom of a freezer that was used to store blood.

Dr. Mankowitz and his team of paleo-hematologists extracted genetic material from the blood and then compared the DNA sequences to humans and 10 closely related monkey species. Dr. Mankowitz said "The results were completely unexpected. . .
The Monkees were actually monkeys!"

The samples revealed that Michael, Davy, Micky, and Peter were in fact Bonobos, a type of chimpanzee. Dr. Mankowitz said "It really would have been more scientifically correct to call them The Apes, but gosh, we can't go and change history, can we?"

When asked why The Monkees looked so human, another member of the Columbia team, Dr. Ronald Grimes said "Well, there were a lot of hairy people running around back then. It was hard to tell the men from the women, let alone another species!"

The Monkees' legal counsel Aaron Simon, stated "There is no truth to this story. Even though they were labeled as such, it has not been verified that the samples actually came from The Monkees." He further added "All four Monkees voted Democratic in the last presidential election, and they made their votes widely known. Who would gain by discrediting them? You do the math!"

The Monkees have refused to submit to new blood tests. Their counsel explained why. "They want to be accepted for what they play, not their DNA." Monkees fans overwhelmingly support their decision.

Sunday, September 24, 2006

A Monkey Was The Real Brains Behind The Atom Bomb!

It is commonly believed that there were 10 principal scientists who were responsible for developing the Atom Bomb. What few people know is that there was an 11th . . .

Zippy The Chimp

Zippy was originally sent to Los Alamos as a security consultant, because his activities in Africa (dropping coconuts onto the heads of Marxist-Leninist guerrillas) had demonstrated his usefulness in battling "The Red Menace".

Many A-Bomb scientists had been exposed to Communism during their college years. Zippy's lack of higher education insulated him from these leftist influences.

After watching Zippy open coconuts (by banging them together) Leo Szilard was able to formulate his seminal Implosion Theory which was the heart of the "Fat Man" A-Bomb design.

After that, Zippy quickly became a integral part of the Manhattan Project team. Leo Szilard, Robert Oppenheimer and Nils Bohr relied heavily on Zippy to refine the designs of bomb components. Although Zippy's test methods were unorthodox, his work consistently resulted in improved performance. A recently declassified document reveals that Zippy's "Samsonite Test" was perhaps the most important contribution to A-Bomb develoment.

After the war, Zippy was troubled by the ethical implications of his work. He returned to Africa and opened up The Jungle Peace Center, whose mission statement was "To provide an open forum for predators and prey to discuss their differences in a neutral and supportive environment". Unfortnately, 6 months later, he was eaten by a lion while hosting a seminar on conflict resolution.

It is time for the world to know the profound influence this savvy simian had on the history of western civilization. His last words "Can't we all just get along?" would be echoed by later generations.

Friday, September 15, 2006

Port Authority Proposes Replacing Hudson River Bridge Crossing

The Port Authority of NY & NJ announced plans today to replace the aging Tappan Zee Bridge. This bridge has been in a state of constant repair for many years and is near the end of its useful life.

The new bridge will be called the Chimpan Zee Bridge. Chief Engineer, Kongo, is featured at left.

The bridge design will incorporate a number of new technologies, including:

An EZ-Vine Lane for commuters who want to get out of their cars and swing over traffic jams


Bamboo construction, to save on material costs

An all simian work force will be employed, to substantially reduce labor costs. The rapid depletion of the rain forests are expected to swell the work force, and thus reduce labor costs even more. The labor force will be organized into 12 monkey teams, which will be known as "barrels". This is being done to make the work environment more fun.

It is estimated that the team will finish the job under budget, because bribes paid in bananas will amount to only a fraction of their human equivalents.

Construction is scheduled to begin in 2010. A completion date has not been set yet, because monkeys can't count beyond 10.

Sunday, September 10, 2006

If You're Happy And You Know It, Climb a Tree.

In this topsy turvy world, we would do well to study monkeys to discover why they enjoy life so much.

On reason is that monkeys are avid readers of Marcel Proust.

"In Search of Lost Time" has long been a focal point for simian philosophy. Monkeys view this masterpiece as a bildungsroman in which the neurasthenic narrator discovers that he is a writer after a life spent distracted by society and love.

This is why monkeys place so much emphasis on maintaining a strong contact with nature and their primitive instincts. They have seen how unhappy humans are by allowing themselves to become too "civilized".

I, for one, plan on going out today and climbing a tree, so that I can shed some of my evolved epidermis, and get closer to my inner chimp.

Ooh! Ooh!

Monday, September 04, 2006

Monkey is The Root of All Evil

Recent news stories indicate that monkeys may be a major contributor to global warming. Consider the following:
  • Monkeys don't recycle.

Monkeys have not signed on to the Kyoto Protocol.

Many monkeys hold key positions in energy companies, hence the term "monkey business".

While this may all appear to be circumstantial evidence, I believe that "Where's smoke, there's monkeyshines."

These clever little creatures may well be leading humanity down the path to annihilation. Anyone who has seen the Planet of the Apes movies knows what the game plan is.

Once they get rid of us, then begins The Monkey Millenium. McDonalds will be replaced by Rhesus Pieces and the top rock band will be fronted by Bonobo. The only human who might survive is Jane Goodall.

To combat this threat, we must take action. Report monkeys who drive SUV's or other gas guzzlers. Encourage your monkey friends to see Al Gore's movie. Plant trees next to monkey bars.

I am hopeful that if we work together, we can turn global warming into global 70 degrees F.

Sunday, September 03, 2006

Do You Feel Lucky? Well, Do Ya, . . Primate?

This is my first day as a blogger, so be gentle with me. Afterwards we'll smoke a cigarette and . . . talk.

I began this blog to share some of the wisdom that has been imparted to me by The Mother Ship.

I believe that all monkeys are created equal . . . except for the ones who are superior or inferior.

I also believe that to achieve true enlightenment, you must have overindulged in your youth. It gives you some perspective on the yin and yang of daily existence. A normal day doesn't seem so boring when you can remember nursing a godawful hangover.

Finally I believe that researchers will someday discover that if you eat enough chocolate, you will live forever, never suffer from erectile disfunction (if you are a man or shemale) and be lucky in love.

Farewell my monkey readers. Let's get together tomorrow and groom each other!

I wish you peace, good feelings, and chocolate!